How Soon Is Now?

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, there’s this teeny, tiny thing called COVID that’s caused just a wee bit of disruption to daily life.

In all seriousness, the virus and the restrictions that have come with it have left most of us with a lot of alone time. An opportunity to sit back and think about life, if you will.

For me, this quiet time has led to a lot of reflection about the past year and a half-plus. I’ve also spent much of this solitude listening to music, not just as a stress reliever, but really taking a moment to try and understand the lyrics.

There has been one song that has resonated with me more than the others. But it’s not the song you think.

When I was sitting in Newark Airport on the afternoon of June 25, 2019, I took some time during my layover to turn on my portable radio and see what kinds of stations New Jersey had to offer. In case your eyes are fluttering in disbelief, I did say “portable radio.” Yes, I’m weird. Get over it. Anyway, I flipped channels for a bit and stopped on one that was playing “How Soon Is Now?” by The Smiths. I’m not sure exactly why, but I distinctly remember this song in that moment. As I watched the hustle and bustle of the Garden State’s biggest airport, I listened to the tune for what I believe was the first time in my life. I thought it was a good song and it made my day better, but I was more or less prepared to move on with my wait.

Fast forward to several hours later. I could not sleep (would you be able to sleep if you were moving your life across the Atlantic?). I decided to play around with the in-flight entertainment and pop in my headphones. I went to the alternative rock station. Honestly, I’m not even sure why that was the first thing I turned to. I don’t even like alternative rock. But when your adrenaline is racing the way it was at that moment, everything kind of blends together. I didn’t know what day it was or what time it was or what planet I was even on. Cut me some slack.

I go back into a daze as a few of the alternative rock songs play. I think the main thing I was looking for was background noise, something to distract me. I didn’t recognize most of the songs and couldn’t tell you about a single one of them.

Except for one.

Just a few songs into my alt rock foray, it comes on.

Welcome back to my ears, Morrissey and friends. It was like you never left.

How was it possible that a song I had never heard in my life was now gracing my ears for the second time in less than 12 hours? For me, it was more than deja vu. The music gods sent me this song for a reason. Clearly, someone wanted me to hear this song and hear it at that moment in time. It was going to be the theme song to my Prague experience, the first of many new things I was going to encounter in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

It wasn’t until recently, however, that I really delved into the lyrics. All it took was one close look at them to recognize that this song was me.

The song’s main theme is social anxiety. I know what you’re thinking…”ugh, Mike, not another anxiety tangent!” Well, I’m going there, so if you don’t like it, stop reading here. As my loyal readers know, I have severe anxiety, and that’s why I’m constantly trying to raise awareness of mental health issues. Often, my anxiety has manifested itself in its social form. Simply put, I lack confidence in social situations and frequently struggle to make friends and maintain friendships. I get nervous before every social interaction, even if it’s with someone I know well. When it’s over, I go back and overanalyze every single word I said in an interaction in fear that I said something that upset the other person, even though I know deep down it did not. It gets to the point where I refrain from sending text messages to people, even though I have something to say, because I’m nervous about how they will respond or if they will respond at all. Will they get upset with me if I reach out to them too often? Yes, texting isn’t the same as face-to-face interaction, but to me, it’s still a social component because you’re communicating with another person.

I know none of this is rational. But if it were rational, anxiety wouldn’t be a “disorder,” would it?

And it doesn’t end there. Unlike many people I know and love, I have trouble walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation. Being embarrassed in public is something I have always worried about and been self-conscious of. In the past, I had a tendency to avoid social outings, although that’s gotten better in recent years. (side note: COVID has really made me long for social outings, even the most basic ones.)

I feel like this song was made for people like me.

“I am the son and the heir…of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.” Right from the first line, I see The Smiths talking to me. Anxiety–more specifically, social anxiety–runs in my family. I was the one who “inherited” it. I would’ve rather inherited something more profitable, but it is what it is. When I hear the “shyness” part, I think about being in my shell for many years. One of the big reasons I moved abroad was to come out of my shell and eliminate the shyness. Personally, I think “criminally vulgar” is a strong phrase, but there are so many other people who aren’t accepting of people with anxiety to the point it just becomes taboo. Telling us to get over it and saying that we’re acting out for attention does not help one iota. No, we’re not acting out for attention, we’re looking for help. Understanding that and being supportive is enormously critical. Too many people just don’t get that.

“You shut your mouth…How can you say I go about things the wrong way?” I really dislike “my way or the highway” type people. I reiterate: until you have lived with anxiety, you have no business telling any of us what to do. For years, I cared too much about the opinions of other people and was a people pleaser. To an extent, I still am. But being in Prague and living on my own has allowed me to see that I need to make decisions for myself. I need to make the best decisions for Mike, not for anybody else. If others don’t like it, that’s too bad. You can call me selfish. It’s okay. I’ve been called worse. I call it being strong enough to know what you want AND what you deserve. Settling for less just because that is what others want you to do is not okay. There have been too many times in my life in which I have done that. I’m not doing it anymore.

The song continues, “I am human and I need to be loved…just like everyone else does.” For my entire life, I’ve beat myself up over mistakes, but the reality is, as The Smiths tell us, that we are all human. It’s a subtle, but necessary reminder. That’s not the critical idea here, however. In the words of the Black-Eyed Peas, “where is the love?” When dealing with a person with social anxiety, it happens too frequently that people look at the illness and not at the person. A person with social anxiety is exactly that. Not a “socially anxious” person. Person-first language. If you don’t know what it is, Google it. A person with social anxiety is a person with feelings, emotions, and thoughts. They need support. That’s why, throughout this experience, I’ve been blessed to have the unwavering support of my family. During this journey, I’ve made some mistakes and had some bad days. But my family, even from thousands of miles away, has shown me the love that all of us deserve. Next time you encounter a person with social anxiety, recognize that they have good intentions in most cases. Even with a shy exterior, they can still have a heart of gold on the interior and be someone who is really worth getting to know. Don’t judge the book by its cover and don’t let a little social awkwardness obscure your perception of someone.

“There’s a club if you’d like to go…you could meet somebody who really loves you.” Anecdote time: the first week I was in Prague, a number of my fellow TEFL trainees and me went to a club in downtown. I’ve never been much of a club person, but I enthusiastically went with them. While I unfortunately did not meet somebody who really loved me that night, it was an immediate sign that I was coming out of my long-standing shell and ready to embrace new perspectives. I think the big reason was that I wanted to bond with my new friends, but, looking back at it now, I wanted to show that shy Mike was left in the States and that “International Mike,” as I was called during my TEFL course, had arrived. The club experience was the first of many new experiences I was about to have. Meanwhile, a couple of seconds later, The Smiths proceed to say, “so you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry, and you want to die.” That night (I mean, morning), I went home and actually felt good. Shy Mike would have gone home, cried, and wanted to die. It was a major step in the transformation outside my comfort zone. International Mike was born.

“When you say it’s gonna happen now…when exactly do you mean? See I’ve already waited too long. And all my hope is gone.” You see, before I moved to Prague, I felt that a lot of my hope was gone. I was working at the US Postal Service and still living at home. I didn’t have a lot of close friends, so the aforementioned shyness was only getting worse. The bottom line is that I was waiting for something to happen. But after a while, I realized that it wasn’t going to come to me. I had to go out and get it. So that’s what I did. At 29 years of age, I wasn’t getting any younger. Now was not soon enough for me.

So there you have it. It’s not a traditional theme song for anybody, but it’s unique and memorable for me. I feel like it was the song tailored specifically for this experience. While I still struggle with social anxiety, I am definitely working on it, and I’ve made strides since I’ve been overseas. I hope this blog taught you something about social anxiety, and if you or someone you love has it, there is a way to make it work. You can get over it and do some great things.

How soon is now? As soon as you want it to be.

As long as COVID says it’s safe, of course.