The Magic Struggle Bus

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This is a difficult time of year.

I’m feeling a lot of things right now and feel like the emotions are winning.

First off, I’m about to add another year to an already too-high age total. Yes, I’m turning…a number that shall remain nameless. Honestly, I don’t even look forward to my birthday anymore. Spending most of my August at summer camp, hanging out with leaders two-thirds my age, is just another reminder. Hopefully, they don’t think the old guy is lame.

Whatever. Nothing I can do about that. So let’s move on.

Coincidentally, August 25 also marks the start of another new chapter in my life–the first day of my new job. It’s always seemed so far away. But as it looms closer by the minute, it’s starting to hit me. I feel scared to death. I feel overwhelmed. Merely reading the rather innocuous initial emails has made me nervous. I just want to go in there and do a good job. That’s very possible…and it’s my intention. However, this position is so much different than the world of teaching adults that I’ve navigated for the past two years. There is going to be a learning curve. Not to mention, there will be all the things that always come with a change of employment–the need to learn new company policies, co-workers’ names, establish a new routine, etc. For someone who has been working from home for the past year and a half, that won’t be easy. I will give it my all, but I hope my new employer will be patient with me.

Of course, my concerns are not only age-related or work-related. The coronavirus is not going away. I fear that the Czech Republic is headed down the same path as last year, ultimately culminating with another lockdown. I sincerely hope that does not happen. It truly would not be fair for vaccinated people like myself to be penalized for the actions and decisions of an entire society. The recent numbers have actually not been so bad here, but this weekend was a step in the wrong direction that may not turn around without additional restrictions. Again, hope I’m wrong. Either way, I do expect restrictions at some point, but maybe the fact that over five million people are vaccinated can save us from the nightmare that is lockdown. There’s also the issue of neighboring countries. Will we have another (and I say “another” because I’ve lost count of what number it is) wave? I want to travel and haven’t traveled nearly enough. I’m newly fully vaccinated, so it seems as if I should have my opportunity. But restrictions and rising numbers could put an end to that before it even starts. Ugh.

Not only am I struggling, a number of my friends are struggling as well. Out of respect for them, I’m not going to get into details about their problems, but they are dealing with a lot. They’re turning to me, of all people, for advice. Of course I want to help. I just fear that I’m not good at it. I’m not used to being the listener and haven’t endured the types of life experiences that they are going through right now. Maybe the advice I’m giving them is perfectly fine and the feelings that I’m experiencing are thanks to the Self-Doubt Machine. When you have anxiety, the Self-Doubt Machine never takes a day off. It forces you to question every decision, every interaction, and every text message. It makes you think you’re never doing a good job (side note: I questioned myself about that A LOT this past week at camp). It makes you see things that aren’t there. Even when things are fine, it creates the perception that the bottom is about to fall out. I find that the Self-Doubt Machine often appears magically, out of nowhere…perhaps we can call it the Magic Struggle Bus? Yeah, that’s a catchy name. Let’s go with it. Ms. Frizzle, take me on a field trip.

I close by attempting to remind myself of the number one goal of each and every day–being the best version of myself. Maybe I take life too seriously. I’ve always been told that I’m an excessive worrier. But I generally only worry about being the best version of myself and things that go into that equation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with worrying about being the best teacher or best friend you can be, but when you worry about even the finite details like I do, the Magic Struggle Bus speeds up and goes off the road, hurting you and your psyche and preventing you from being the best version of yourself.

Despite all the struggles and self-doubt, I’m showing up every day. Whether it’s to camp, to work, or to the store, I’m still making an effort to be present. I’m proud of that, and if you’re doing the same, you should be, too.

And showing up is half the battle.